Thank God the year is nearly over -_-

Three more days and this HORRIBLE year will be over. It's been very difficult with my step sisters passing, our family breaking apart, confrontations with friends and difficulties in our relationship with my BF and at the same time my job has become more demanding. I feel like I've changed a lot this year as a person and like I have less tolerance to peoples' bullshit, less tolerance to anything. I've become more wound up and I enjoy being alone more than I ever have. I've learned that everything is not always all my fault but that other people can mess up things and do things you cannot forgive. It's freeing to know - I'm slowly starting to blame myself less and love more. I've also noticed that other people have less tolerance for me too. It's just that over the course of this year I've realised that I'm only now beginning to go through everything that happened in my childhood. I've not even thought about those things until lately and it's a long process that is taking pretty much all my energy and sucking out all positivity  out of me. I guess I'm just trying to say that if you ever see your friend turn into a negative witch, give them time. They might be going through a ruff patch in their lives. Love is probably what they'd need more than anything, not fighting. 

Anyways, I'm hoping 2018 will be a better year! My resolutions include reading more books and exercising at least a little bit. I also just imagined last night what my next Christmas is going to look like: traveling all by myself to some very warm land with white sands (the Caribbean, for example?), setting up a Christmas "tree" (any little potted plant I can find) in my hotel room , going to the beach, eating sushi for Christmas meal, swimming in a lagoon, opening three (I imagined three would be the perfect amount) little presents I got myself, drinking wine out in the terrace and smoking cigarettes. A paradise!! This Christmas was just like any other Christmas to me: my parents insulting and hurting me, me feeling like shit, going to my BF's folks who are SO normal and having a good time, then fighting with my BF when he gets drunk. All in all good moments and such HORRIBLE moments. And it made me think this time, that I'll never be able to spend Christmas like I'd like to: peacefully, no fighting. For a lot of people I hope Christmas is a wonderful holiday, but for me there will always be this bruise: my family. There's NEVER (or maybe like once!) been a Christmas with them when we didn't fight, when I didn't end up crying, attacked, feeling panicky and scared and unsafe. And I really love Christmas. I'd want to spend it peacefully and enjoying myself. So I figured, probably the only way for that ever to happen is to be ALONE. And travel somewhere far away and warm, where nothing will remind you of home, but I wouldn't mind if there was a little Christmas festivities going. We'll see if I'll have the courage to really travel alone but right now I would if I had the time and money. Hopefully I'll remember this next year and actually book a trip for just moí! :D 

This was a bit of a vent, I'll just say that I DO NOT mean to blame anyone; I'm just opening up about how I feel right now. So you know :) 

When all was still well.. I got the poison apple mug from my BF! <3 LOVE

The morning @ BF's parents.

 

FriYAY!

Wohoo! It's the last day at work before Christmas and I'm going to be on holiday until January 2 :) A much needed holiday! It's been a very stressfull YEAR and this entire week it's been crazy at work. I'm trying my hardest not to stress out too much - when I start to panic about work it just drains out ALL my energy and at the end of the day I'm dead tired and feel terrible. Stress is such a horrible thing to the body, physically and mentally.. So, I'm exercising my breathing and remainding myself to take it easy :) I need to leave early today because I'm meeting a friend which is fun, but sometimes I wish I knew how to say "no" so I'd have time to do my work  more peacefully :D
But omg am I happy that this year I've got all the presents IN TIME!! It's all done, all the Christmas shopping, I have all the gifts and it's a punch of stuff I'm realy happy about, too. I'm so proud of myself!! I'm literally never on time with gifts.. I suck at it, honestly. Shopping something meaningful for the people I love is so difficult, nothing feels special enough. But this year I told myself not to overthink like that. And then the lock just opened, and I was able to find some very special and cute gifts I am truly going to enjoy giving.
It's now only moments away from HOLIDAY!! I'm so excited about it, now I just need to tune my thoughts away from work and into a more peacyful, joyous spirit. Think I'll have a glass of wine with it, too :D
See you soon!

My January wish list on Attitude Clothing Co.

 

Ahh, shopping on the internet.. where absolutely everything exists and a materia-junkie like me can get their fix on the newest, cutest, raddest pieces of clothing, accessories and everything in between! 

Lately I've been totally hooked on scrolling through the selection at Attitude clothing.com which basically  has everything you could ever ask for in the alternative section. Above are just a few pieces I've been drooling over! A boho bag that perfectly hangs on the shoulder, the slouchiness portraying the zero fucks given. This skeleton good-luck cat is just way cuter than the normal ones, I think. Omg I cannot believe they carry Current mood clothing! No shoes tho... I absolutely love this brand, they make such bad-ass unique shoes, bags and clothing that's good quality at an affordable price. I fell in LOVE with this black&white stripey sweater with holes. Perfect for work! Especially for an important meeting. Another thing I love is Edgar Allan Poe. I think these bandages with his face on would make the healing process of any little blunder much more bearable. I tend to get blisters on my pinky toes, so I guess attaching one of these on them would make them Edgar Allan Toe! HAHAHA I'm so sorry. And finally, this melting skull candle is just exactly the kind of thing I would imagine giving my friends for Christmas, too bad I only just found out about it and no shipping is gonna make it here 'till Christmas :/ So I might buy one of these por mói if still in stock after Christmas (read: when I get money again). 

Okay it's getting late and I think I'm going to hit the sack now! :P 

Yesterday @Vallisaari

Yesterday I spent a perfect day all by myself on two beautiful small islands right off Helsinki, Vallisaari and Kuninkaansaari (they are connected by a reef so they go hand in hand basically). They are right next to Suomenlinna, and have formerly been accessible only for the military.  There's a military and wartime history so both places are full of old, dilapidated military equipment and it's strictly forbidden to stray off the marked route because of possible old explosives hidden in the ground!  Whoa... I felt like a real daredevil defying death when I did the exact prohibited thing and wandered off the route at times.  I just needed to be alone with the nature, have it all for myself. It was a sunny summer day so obviously the place was packed with noisy little kids, their even noisier parents and some know-it-all -tourists from the Finnish countryside, who'd studied the places history moments before arriving and now loudly iterating it, as if to prove to everyone they're not just some stupid hill billies, funny how we can be our own worst critics. People passed by so quickly, classic urbanites always in a hurry - I wondered if they just came into the islands so they could tell everyone they have been there. I went because I thought I could get a moment to myself, a peaceful moment relaxing in the nature. And because when I heard of the place and its untouched and breathtakingly broad flora, I was a go-go immediately. Eventually I came to peace with all the other humans there and started paying them no mind. I enjoyed every slow step I took on the path (yes, I always returned on it after my little independent trips to the wilderness), I enjoyed the fact that I had such time to slowly stroll on some islands - and I couldn't imagine that time spent any better. I felt lucky to be alive; to see the horizon, to touch the flowers and tree trunks and hear the waves; to breath in that slightly salty sea air, a scent I've loved my entire life - if I could choose I'd live at sea. Or in the middle of nature. It really was a place I felt peaceful and tranquil. I ate a sandwich I packed to go and cherries I bought at Kauppatori. I ended up walking over 18 000 steps that day! And most of them on the islands, I think my meter was somewhere around 2000 in the morning when I stepped on the ferry and it was around 16 000 when I left! My legs were a bit sore after that :D But the day ended so perfectly going to sauna and having a beer, super relaxing.

Here are some photos I took =^___^=  

That's me! It started raining at some point. Heavenly rain! I love hearing the rain drops fall on an umbrella. After it started raining people were hurrying by even faster and I got some moments all by myself on the route - needless to say, I enjoyed it a lot. Thanks, rain!