Thank God the year is nearly over -_-

Three more days and this HORRIBLE year will be over. It's been very difficult with my step sisters passing, our family breaking apart, confrontations with friends and difficulties in our relationship with my BF and at the same time my job has become more demanding. I feel like I've changed a lot this year as a person and like I have less tolerance to peoples' bullshit, less tolerance to anything. I've become more wound up and I enjoy being alone more than I ever have. I've learned that everything is not always all my fault but that other people can mess up things and do things you cannot forgive. It's freeing to know - I'm slowly starting to blame myself less and love more. I've also noticed that other people have less tolerance for me too. It's just that over the course of this year I've realised that I'm only now beginning to go through everything that happened in my childhood. I've not even thought about those things until lately and it's a long process that is taking pretty much all my energy and sucking out all positivity  out of me. I guess I'm just trying to say that if you ever see your friend turn into a negative witch, give them time. They might be going through a ruff patch in their lives. Love is probably what they'd need more than anything, not fighting. 

Anyways, I'm hoping 2018 will be a better year! My resolutions include reading more books and exercising at least a little bit. I also just imagined last night what my next Christmas is going to look like: traveling all by myself to some very warm land with white sands (the Caribbean, for example?), setting up a Christmas "tree" (any little potted plant I can find) in my hotel room , going to the beach, eating sushi for Christmas meal, swimming in a lagoon, opening three (I imagined three would be the perfect amount) little presents I got myself, drinking wine out in the terrace and smoking cigarettes. A paradise!! This Christmas was just like any other Christmas to me: my parents insulting and hurting me, me feeling like shit, going to my BF's folks who are SO normal and having a good time, then fighting with my BF when he gets drunk. All in all good moments and such HORRIBLE moments. And it made me think this time, that I'll never be able to spend Christmas like I'd like to: peacefully, no fighting. For a lot of people I hope Christmas is a wonderful holiday, but for me there will always be this bruise: my family. There's NEVER (or maybe like once!) been a Christmas with them when we didn't fight, when I didn't end up crying, attacked, feeling panicky and scared and unsafe. And I really love Christmas. I'd want to spend it peacefully and enjoying myself. So I figured, probably the only way for that ever to happen is to be ALONE. And travel somewhere far away and warm, where nothing will remind you of home, but I wouldn't mind if there was a little Christmas festivities going. We'll see if I'll have the courage to really travel alone but right now I would if I had the time and money. Hopefully I'll remember this next year and actually book a trip for just moí! :D 

This was a bit of a vent, I'll just say that I DO NOT mean to blame anyone; I'm just opening up about how I feel right now. So you know :) 

When all was still well.. I got the poison apple mug from my BF! <3 LOVE

The morning @ BF's parents.